Thursday, January 23, 2014

Big Wind - by Anonymous

Brace yourselves. You are about to laugh. And you are about to get grossed out. And then you will probably laugh again.

It took some serious consideration before deciding to post this because, for one, it is truly humiliating for the one this happened to. And for two, the one it happened to had to put all of her trust into the other one that she would never, EVER, tell.

So, here we go. For one of us, this is the most EMBARASSING story of our life, so that is why we agreed to keep it anonymous. And for the one that this didn’t happen to, we made the other swear on her and her childrens’ lives that she would never reveal the one we dubbed “Big Wind” nearly 10 years ago (and for those of our closest friends who are reading this and know which one of us is “Big Wind,” we will have to kill you if you tell – just kidding (sort of). 

Okay, so here’s the story. We’ll refer to Big Wind as BW throughout the story, and the other girl as Girl. And we’ll be writing this (mostly) in third-person from this point on.

BW had just started dating a guy (who is now her husband – bless his soul). The new guy (literally, they’d been dating less than six months, so the honeymoon phase was still in full swing), BW, and Girl were on a road trip. We won’t say where to, or why, but we’ll just say we were in a very desolate area, driving up a very windy road, very slowly. Having never broken the fart barrier with her new guy, BW, who was driving the car, got very nervous when her innards started to rumble.

She talked, turned up the radio a little when she was afraid one might slip out, and for well over two hours (there were no rest stops on this mountain road), she clenched her bum cheeks as tightly as possible until the gas would venture reluctantly  back up into her intestines.

This battle of wills between BW’s arse cheeks and the determined gas continued up the long, mountain road, while her bladder filled with pee.

Okay, BW thought. I need to pull over. Something’s gotta give.

She figured that, if she relieved her bladder, the gas would take a back seat until they got home. They were getting close. So BW slowly pulled onto a dirt pull-out, and, scared of the pitch black night, begged Girl to go with her for moral support.

BW asked her new boyfriend to go to the very other end of the pull-out (we are horrible at determining distances…he was probably 15 car-lengths away) out of fear that the moonlight would hit just right and reveal her with her pants around her ankles, or worse, no pants on at all. (Girl here. I don't know why you didn't ask him to wait in the car while you went! Didn't you know what might happen?!)

BW: Of course I didn’t know! I thought I could let the gas seep slowly out while peeing! And thank goodness he didn’t have the same problem I did. I might have ducked for cover.

With not a lot of experience peeing outdoors, BW did what she thought would be the least messy, least-likely way of urinating all over herself – she pulled her pants completely off, and squatted. Of course, with so much trapped gas, her legs were shaking as she squatted toward the ground, and she asked Girl for some support. After all, it was freakishly black outside so no one would see a thing, right?

Hesitantly (after all, this was a fairly new friendship), Girl stood in front of BW, knee caps nearly touching her face, while BW squatted all the way to the ground, pants off, feet spread way apart to avoid splashing, and she began to pee. Holding on to Girl’s ankles for needed support, the pee spewed out of her, and so did everything else.

(Imagine the sound of a chain saw starting, and brace yourself for what happens next)

Every ounce of gas, every rumble BW had squeezed back into her intestines for the past two (plus) hours, every tensed butt and vagay-jay muscle that had been holding back those farts ripped with the most vigorous urgency of hiney-explosion BW and Girl – AND new boyfriend – had ever heard.

(Girl here, again. I am laughing right now.)

The silence of the night carried the machine-gun sounds that erupted with every laugh that came out of BW. Laugh. Fart. Laaaauuuuggghhhhhh. Faaaarrrrrttttt. Laaaauuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. Faaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

(Still laughing.)

The staccato farts belted out so forcefully with every laugh that they started to blend into one giant, endless, rumble – a noise that made Girl laugh so hard, she (loyal as she is), stood still, did not run from the endless blasts of her friend’s arse that were, without question, invading her all-too-close nostrils, and, instead, bent forward at the waist, unable to breathe from the hilarity of what was happening. Pee was inevitably spraying onto her shoes, and it – as well as the gas – just kept comin.

Girl remained, dangling over the hunched body of her friend BW, both of them laughing so hard they were crying, the flappy-gas explosion/laugh dance continuing for well over 30 seconds.

When the rumble finally ended, the air was silent. BW and Girl were still on the never-ending exhale of their never-ending laughter. They could not breathe in. And then they heard new boyfriend’s response…

WAS THAT!?!?”    

But he knew. Yes, he knew.

The mile-long, laugh-induced, wet, flappy, disgusting, hilarious sound he heard was unmistakably a giant fart. A long-ass, non-girly, animal-like fart that surely did not come from the beautiful girl he had just started dating. No, not her.

God, not her! BW imagined him thinking.

When the girls finally caught their breath long enough for BW to get dressed, the three of them got back into the car and laughed hysterically, without pause, the rest of the way home. New boyfriend drove. BW could not see through her watery eyes. The laugh-tears would not stop. They recounted every moment of the fart, in every detail, dissected every thought they each had during the duration of the fart, analyzed its every resembled sound (chain saw? lawn mower? motorcycle?), the rest of their drive home.

For the three of them, the mere thought of that moment 10 years ago makes an uncontrollable smile spread across their face (it really does), and if any part of that moment is spoken, the belly laughs continue. It’s one of those moments that can never be relived, because nobody in the history of history has ever farted that loud. Or for that long. Or with so much power. With so much purpose.

That night, the fart barrier was broken between BW and her new boyfriend. Girl mentioned the “Big Wind” moment on BW and new boyfriend’s wedding video (I did? I don't remember that but I DO believe it!). She will never live it down (Really. She won't.). She will forever remain Big Wind. Thank God her (then) boyfriend could still see the beauty in her without that noise – that larger than life fart – getting in the way.  

See? We've been through so much together. Not only have we been in one another's weddings, celebrated the births of all of our children, and supported one another through triumphs and disappointments, we've shared The Big Wind Moment (a moment such as this definitely deserves a title). That is true friend love right there.

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